Equitable Divorce Solutions

(Just change the pronouns if She ask – advice is the same!)

Most couples know over 50% of marriages end in divorce and think they “know” theirs won’t be one of them. At least one half of the couple generally believes it up to the minute they hear “I want a divorce”. Then every negative emotion bombards the brain simultaneously. Yet, in the few minutes that follow, the tone of the divorce may be determined and who controls the divorce will likely be set. So what do you do in that brief window of alarmed opportunity?

Your first panic thoughts will by “Why?” “What did I do?”, “Who is she?” as well as an intense desire to kill or at least maim. Not any of those are the right question or your best calculated move. The REAL question to be answered before any others are asked or discussed is “Do I want to do the work necessary to try to save this marriage”. It will take awhile to know the answer and it should not depend on why he is asking for the divorce. Strangely enough, that really is not relevant to the answer. It is now about you – not him!

At that moment you are not in any shape emotionally to handle any answers or explanations your spouse is so ready and waiting to give you. So don’t let him!! Say “Please hand me a Kleenex and then leave me alone for at least 24 hours. And I mean alone – not in this house and not on the phone. You have had as much time as you needed to determine you no longer want to be married to me. I will take as much time as I need to determine if I want to be married to you and 24 hours is what I need to start with. I’ll call you to let you know when I am ready for any further discussion on the matter.” Hand him his coat and open the door. He will be so shocked, he actually will go. When he calls, don’t answer.

Call your very best friend and ask her if she is having an affair with your spouse. If the answer is a shocked “No” then tell her you need her right now to come and hold you while you fall apart molecule by molecule. In the morning (spouses never ask for a divorce in the morning over coffee—almost always at night) call your counselor if you have one, your minister or me for a recommendation if you don’t. The counselor will help you answer the REAL question. Take the time you need to come to the decision that is best for you for the rest of your life. Regardless of the answer, congratulations, you have now taken control of the marriage or divorce.

And while you are thinking about it – regardless of which answer you are leaning toward, make copies of every financial document you can lay your hands on and keep him out of the house long enough to do it. He can get a divorce whether you want it or not and at that point, it is about money so get yourself prepared with as much documentation as possible. Wipe your eyes, blow your nose and go buy a copier and get to work. Call me, I’ll tell you where to start. 713 599 1220.

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